Top Ten Movies that Should Not Be Re-Made

Dear Hollywood,

Since most human beings possess more than one brain cell, most of us love **fanfare* originality.  The past two years in the entertainment industry have demonstrated how pervasive hallucinagenic drug abuse is.  Puff-puff "Let's re-make...Superman.   And this time We'll turn Lois Lane into a bed-hopping opportunist who passes off Kal-el's son as another mans's kid!"  There are really only two things in this universe that get better each time you re-warm them, spaghetti and zombies.  Please stop re-making movies.  You know that Occupy movement that's sweeping the nation?  Hollywood, you're next!!

1.  "Big Trouble in Little China"

      Never again in the cosmos will there ever be a confluence of such zany awesomeness.  Kurt Russell, Victor Wong and Kim Catrall.  Plus, you've got that David Lo Pan figure floating around "with light shooting out of his mouth" that scares the devil out of my kids.  Don't even get me started on the John Carpenter music....yeah....two or three notes played in an awesomely uncomfortable time signature.

2.   "Aliens"

1986.  Before Buffy..there was Ripley.  Parasitic Parthenogenic motherhood.  Space marines.  Bill Paxton and his one liners.  Face huggers.  One of the best representations of the genius and insanity behind James Cameron.  Girl Power.

3." Uptown Saturday Night"

   Sidney Poitier and Bill Cosby.  "I heard you so ugly till the sun refuse to shine."  Ninja-tapdancre kicks hole in bar.  Bill Cosby in an Afro, highwater pants,and white socks.  

4. "Smokey and the Bandit"

 Where do I start?  Jackie Gleeson?  Burt Reyolds's sexy laugh (you gotta admit...)   

5. "Blacula"

"He's dead.  He's black.  He's a vampire.  He's pissed off"...or something like that.   Say it slowly....Mamuwalde..   If you ever want to see a film that is both terrifying and hysterical at the same time.  You must see Blacula, and you understand why it can't be remade.   "That is a bad out fit!!!! Whoo!"  

6.  "Red Dawn"

   Oh wait....they've re-made it, but due to MGM's financials the re-make which replaces Russians with North Koreans may never see the light of day.  No matter where you stand politically,  when you see the original Red Dawn with Patrick Swayze, sober Charlie Sheen, and pre-surgery Jennifer Grey there's something that makes you want to be from the mountains of Colorado.  Plus, Patrick Swayze made homemade deerskin boots look HOT.

7. "Friday"

    Smokey.  Deebo. Craig's daddy and the stinky load.  Oh yeah, and that crackhead that kept running everytime a car backfired.  This is a classic and a real moral tale.  Do. Not. Touch.

8."The Outsiders"

Related to No.6.  Swayze, Estevez, Cruise, Macchio, Howell...Dillon. Stay gold pony boy.  Nice cinematic interpretation of Hinton's novel.  This film turned me on toe Robert Frost..."nature's first green is gold..."

9. "Predator"

    "Out there, past them trees...see dat?  (Singing) I see you!"  Bill Duke was the real star here.  Although Arnold "Get to the chopppa!" Schwartzenegger did admirable job flexing his pecs and shooting those guns.  Let's be real.   There has never been more  starpower in an 80s film.  Jesse Ventura, Carl Weathers, Bill Duke, Sonny Landham.  This movie kicked butt and scared you at the same time.  You kept thinking if that thing killed Jesse Ventura, you were a goner.  Let's not forget the false hope that Sonny Landham (aka Billy, the Native American guy....stereotypes aside) brought toward the end of the film whan he stood on that bridge with the machete....aahhhh!  Don't touch this either.

10.  If you read this.....you tell me what should never be re-made.   I know I'm missing something, so holla at me in the comments.