The Real Struggle

It's 1:22AM and I absolutely cannot sleep.

I've decided to the let the thoughts in my head escape here.

It's not a sinking feeling.  It's far worse. It's a drowning feeling.

It's the feeling you get when your treading water with a weight tied to your ankles. 

And people are watching.  

At first, you valiantly tread water with a smile, even as the weight drags you under the surface. The problem is, the more you fight the weight, the more tired you become. 

And then you have to make a critical decision. Do you stop fighting and let the weight pull you down? Do you put your head under the water and cut the weight? Or do you cry for help because you don't have the strength to hold on anymore?

But what will they say? Will they gossip? Will they sneer triumphantly as they confirm that you weren't as perfect as they thought?

The reality is they're in the water too, with a whole bunch of stuff happening beneath the surface of the water.

It's time to release the stuff that is pulling you under and killing your joy. What matters more? What others think of you? Or living a whole life free of weight that was never yours to carry?

It's 1:38AM. My eyelids aren't heavy still, but at least my heart has stopped pounding through my chest.