Things I've Learned in 35 Years of Living
1. There's a reason most villains in have mother issues. Darth Vader. Jason Voorhees. Freddy Kruger. God did not design children to live their lives attached to their mothers via the umbilical cord. There's a reason that garden hose textured thing is cut at birth. Imagine how unhealthy that would be if women actually walked around with grown children attached to them via the cord. Exactly. Why then, do women believe it's appropriate to do so emotionally? No child can grow up an be healthy if mom refuses to allow that child to learn from his mistakes. Cut the cord!!!
2. Ladies!!!!!! Do you know how crazy you look fighting with one another over a man in jail??!!! Please stop fighting with the other "baby moms" (the nomenclature is KILLING ME!) because she ain't supposed to be on the visit list. On a connected thought, don't bring your children to court so that the jailed father (who never showed an interest in your children before incarceration) can "see" his kids. How is it even appropriate for a child to see his/ her parent in leg irons, handcuffs, and county tan? Children do not need to see this. They will come to view this as normal, and going to prison is not normal. Whole generations are destroyed because the abnormal is now acceptable. Stop the madness.
3. Everyone cannot wear everything. Be proud of your body. Leave some things to the imagination, or if your stomach looks like the surface of Mars, leave some things for the nightmares. Stretch marks and muffin tops are not easy on the eyes.
4. If you want to be treated like a lady, then act like one. If you treat yourself like a piece of meat, so will everyone else.
5. If you want to be treated like a man, don't ever say things like "I ain't working at no McDonald's." Being a man means being above pride when it comes to taking care of your family. Education, however, opens up options.
6. "Crackish" is so a word. Definition? Having the qualities or characteristics of one who smokes crack cocaine (a.k.a. a crackhead). Most often used to describe behavior which includes quick paranoid movements, loathsome body odor that is a mixture of smoke and body, and constant nibbling on dirty bitten-down to-the-quick fingernails. Such an individual is also known for erratic behavior that is truly unfathomable to even the most intelligent person. This term can be used without fear of a defamation lawsuit because it avoids the unfortunate task of calling someone a crackhead. Instead, you can say, "That was a crackish thing to do." or "She's so crackish."
7. Time outs don't work for everyone. However, children need to respect their parents. They need to have a healthy fear of the consequences of disobedience. We spank, but there is something called abuse. A quick swat on the bottom with your open hand is not abuse. Hitting your child with an extension cord is abuse. Slapping a child's hand lightly with your fingertips to keep them away from a stove is fine. Mounting a flip-flop on a dowel so that you can swat at your child's behind in the mall is just plain mean. (It can be a little funny.)
While we're on the subject. Parents give their children too many rights. The Constitution gives all citizens protections from inappropriate intrusions from the government. Guess what? I am not the government. Want privacy? Turn 18, get a job, and buy your own house. I wish my child would tell me to get out of his room. I wish my child would tell me it's none of my business. Ha. Ha. Privacy.
8. Men don't know how to look for a doggone thing!
9. Ashy heels are never attractive. Moisturize, else you look like you've been dancing in chalk.
10. Love has to cost you something. Time, money, patience, space, etc. If you're sitting on the sidelines saying "I love you," you're not doing it right. Love is a verb; therefore, action is required.
2. Ladies!!!!!! Do you know how crazy you look fighting with one another over a man in jail??!!! Please stop fighting with the other "baby moms" (the nomenclature is KILLING ME!) because she ain't supposed to be on the visit list. On a connected thought, don't bring your children to court so that the jailed father (who never showed an interest in your children before incarceration) can "see" his kids. How is it even appropriate for a child to see his/ her parent in leg irons, handcuffs, and county tan? Children do not need to see this. They will come to view this as normal, and going to prison is not normal. Whole generations are destroyed because the abnormal is now acceptable. Stop the madness.
3. Everyone cannot wear everything. Be proud of your body. Leave some things to the imagination, or if your stomach looks like the surface of Mars, leave some things for the nightmares. Stretch marks and muffin tops are not easy on the eyes.
4. If you want to be treated like a lady, then act like one. If you treat yourself like a piece of meat, so will everyone else.
5. If you want to be treated like a man, don't ever say things like "I ain't working at no McDonald's." Being a man means being above pride when it comes to taking care of your family. Education, however, opens up options.
6. "Crackish" is so a word. Definition? Having the qualities or characteristics of one who smokes crack cocaine (a.k.a. a crackhead). Most often used to describe behavior which includes quick paranoid movements, loathsome body odor that is a mixture of smoke and body, and constant nibbling on dirty bitten-down to-the-quick fingernails. Such an individual is also known for erratic behavior that is truly unfathomable to even the most intelligent person. This term can be used without fear of a defamation lawsuit because it avoids the unfortunate task of calling someone a crackhead. Instead, you can say, "That was a crackish thing to do." or "She's so crackish."
7. Time outs don't work for everyone. However, children need to respect their parents. They need to have a healthy fear of the consequences of disobedience. We spank, but there is something called abuse. A quick swat on the bottom with your open hand is not abuse. Hitting your child with an extension cord is abuse. Slapping a child's hand lightly with your fingertips to keep them away from a stove is fine. Mounting a flip-flop on a dowel so that you can swat at your child's behind in the mall is just plain mean. (It can be a little funny.)
While we're on the subject. Parents give their children too many rights. The Constitution gives all citizens protections from inappropriate intrusions from the government. Guess what? I am not the government. Want privacy? Turn 18, get a job, and buy your own house. I wish my child would tell me to get out of his room. I wish my child would tell me it's none of my business. Ha. Ha. Privacy.
8. Men don't know how to look for a doggone thing!
9. Ashy heels are never attractive. Moisturize, else you look like you've been dancing in chalk.
10. Love has to cost you something. Time, money, patience, space, etc. If you're sitting on the sidelines saying "I love you," you're not doing it right. Love is a verb; therefore, action is required.
Comments
I'm still loving the blog but I have to at least stand up for my guys on point number 8.
Now to preface this, I'm going on the premise that you mean men have no idea of how to look for stuff when asked "Honey, could you please get X, Y or Z from the closet downstairs." Also, this explanation applies to a good majority of men not all men...Just want to get that clear.
Now to the point! Yes...we men do know how to look for things but you have to remember that we look for them in a different fashion that you ladies. Here's the trick: Go by size, shape, color, weight and last place seen and you will definitely get him to find it.
I know that sounds almost insane but what I've noticed sometimes is that some ladies have a story about why the item in question is in its location and can easily find it by recounting the tale and having a good laugh when finding it in the rumpus room or under the staircase. However, we guys are a little like cops sometimes...We just need the general description: Size, shape, color, weight and last place seen and we can find anything based on that.
Here's an example:
"Honey! Could you get the baking tin from underneath the counter that I used last week to cook those peach muffins you loved so much."
Outcome: No es bueno! [Cue up the Price is Right "Loser" music]...If he didn't sort anything in the kitchen, he may be there for a half an hour digging in the junk drawer or the plastic container cabinet...maybe under the oven but not instantly.
Better example:
"Honey, go to the kitchen...look for the silver muffin tray...I saw it under the oven last time I was there...it's a rectangle shape about yea big...[sizing with hands]...and shouldn't be too heavy."
Outcome: TahDah! Here's the muffin pan and after looking for it he may even go out and get some muffin mix because he loved those muffins sooooo much.
I know it may sound ridiculous but It's our primitive-Captain Caveman-like way of classifying the world and realizing that all things pretty much boil down to those 5 variables.
Gotta run...I have to look for something under the pots and pans cabinet myself...
I hope this helps and talk with you soon!
And, I'm totally going to use "crackish" from now on.