Things Not to Do To A Pregnant Woman
1. Don't ever use the word "spread" in reference to a pregnant woman's body, especially if you value the ability to chew soft food.
2. Keep your hands to yourself. I don't care how cute the belly is. You have to remember to ask before touching someone else's uterus. (duh!)
3. Don't pick a fight with a pregnant woman. She will shift the baby bump to her back and kick the living snot out of you.
4. Don't leave any kind of food laying about. We'll pilfer food in a minute. Fresh berries and Doritos are especially vulnerable.
5. Refrain from any assumptions about the gender of the baby based on hips, breasts, or butts. You know what I'm talking about. "You're having a girl because your boobs are sagging." Appropriate response: "You have fat lip because you just got the piss slapped out of you."
6. No screaming. Ever. Especially when it's in response to a larger than expected belly or breasts that won't stop growing.
7. Don't ask a woman if she's carrying twins. That's tacky. At least let her volunteer.
8. Unless you're close to said pregnant woman, don't ask her if the pregnancy was planned.
9. Don't smoke in front of a pregnant woman and ask, "Does this bother you?" Ummm lemme think. Yeah! Do the words second-hand smoke mean anything? Since we're on the subject, you really don't need to be smoking either. You know those things cause lung cancer.
10. Don't ever laugh at a pregnant woman clumsiness, unless she laughs first. If she does not laugh, run out of the room and laugh in privacy to avoid urinating on yourself. This rule does not apply to spouses. After nine months of pukey-moody-burping-snoring bride, spouses are entitled to a good belly laugh. Spouses be warned. The pregnant woman knows where you live and has access to your bank account. Laugh with caution.
2. Keep your hands to yourself. I don't care how cute the belly is. You have to remember to ask before touching someone else's uterus. (duh!)
3. Don't pick a fight with a pregnant woman. She will shift the baby bump to her back and kick the living snot out of you.
4. Don't leave any kind of food laying about. We'll pilfer food in a minute. Fresh berries and Doritos are especially vulnerable.
5. Refrain from any assumptions about the gender of the baby based on hips, breasts, or butts. You know what I'm talking about. "You're having a girl because your boobs are sagging." Appropriate response: "You have fat lip because you just got the piss slapped out of you."
6. No screaming. Ever. Especially when it's in response to a larger than expected belly or breasts that won't stop growing.
7. Don't ask a woman if she's carrying twins. That's tacky. At least let her volunteer.
8. Unless you're close to said pregnant woman, don't ask her if the pregnancy was planned.
9. Don't smoke in front of a pregnant woman and ask, "Does this bother you?" Ummm lemme think. Yeah! Do the words second-hand smoke mean anything? Since we're on the subject, you really don't need to be smoking either. You know those things cause lung cancer.
10. Don't ever laugh at a pregnant woman clumsiness, unless she laughs first. If she does not laugh, run out of the room and laugh in privacy to avoid urinating on yourself. This rule does not apply to spouses. After nine months of pukey-moody-burping-snoring bride, spouses are entitled to a good belly laugh. Spouses be warned. The pregnant woman knows where you live and has access to your bank account. Laugh with caution.
Comments